I decided to start doing a lot of things next semester or over the summer. I need preparations for each events. These preparations have been making me be busy and have less time to relax. It is hard. It has been hard to rely on people and sometimes it is hard to face other people's negativities or see the relationships are not going well. 

Today, I had to leave early because of his rugby meeting. At the time I was leaving, he was sleeping and I am debating if I wake him up or just leave. I really didn't want to wake him up so I decided to leave without saying anything. And when i called him he kept translating English into Japanese to say basically he was so sad that I did that. He was saying ダキシメタカッタ、ホホニナミダガアリマシタ、アナタはタダサッタ,,,etc. Oh my god he is too cute..... I am blessed.

After I see my boyfriend I always feel like I didn't have enough I didn't do good enough. I feel kinda missing in my head and start to think about him unnecessary. 

I always try to look for a perfection on anything but technically no possibility that I can find it every time.

Good to remind myself I had fun with him. That's enough. I am happy enough. Very good. Now it is time to focus on my business.

I don't know why my life in these days look like shit because my thoughts have been shitting my days. I am not enjoying everyday life. I am not enjoying talking to people. I am not enjoying what I am studying. Absolutely less motivation and less happiness.

I might write down what is going on and what I need to do right now or what I am missing. 

It has been while since I updated. A lot of things dramatically changed around me, so it was kinda hard to prioritize myself. The reason why I am updating this today is that I started to treat Mike unfair... for a little tiny reason. I feel so bad for him. Oh god. What am I doing? What is wrong with me. I haven't workout for a while and I haven't doing like yoga, meditation or any sort of... Stay strong. Manage yourself!!! Be nice to myself. And be nice to others as I do to myself. I get I took a hard class and I moved in and a lot of things but still I need to do self-control.

I just remembered me what I was doing last year. I am proud of myself how much I have done. I still need to keep up myself but it is important to look back and remind myself especially I am tired. Since I have great people around me, I am very grateful that I am able to spend great college life. Just wanted to put in my mind which could be here.

How many times and how much I need to wish for the language fluency... I feel so stupid and dumb. I have no idea what they are talking about and I have no idea what should I do.

WE have been talking about Chicago 1968 and democratic national convention, which means I gotta catch up both history and politics... I didn't even study history and politics in japanese and how could I understand them so quickly??

I feel like it is too late to ask for help.. but if I don't do it and I will definitely regret it so I will ask for help. 

I always wish I could speak English as the other people do. I have plenty things that I have been missing and that is causing misunderstanding and lack of knowledge. 

Uh...all I can do is just keep going, keep pushing myself and do step by step.

Wish me luck please!

I wasn't fully prepared. I didn't have enough time... But I have been talking and talking fine so. It's okay. let's see when we started to talk about the BLM cuz that's the one that I didn't put out much efforts on. Worth 15points...hoo...

I 

Yes, as you can see from the title. I cried. So we were just hanging out and he needed to leave because he had workout with his friends. And out of the blue, I started to feel sad to face that he is leaving. Looking back, I think it was because I don't think I have been messing up with classes and job. I am very bad at managing time. And I need extra time to read and write. So I was just overwhelmed. I just thought it is bot fair that he can speak English so he can understand all the words what they are seeing. Less time on his hw...  I got it Risa. I got it. I am strong.

I am super tired. I am overwhelmed what I have for future. Thinking of the expectation future me would have been pressuring me to take some actions. I don't know what I should do. That's why I am stacked. Maybe rest up well to get ready to kick out. I truly hope I will get grateful fortunes to train and bring up myself.

今日、彼がキャンパスに帰ってきました。でも、様子がおかしいんです。いつものダウンのときのように、心配になるし、本当に彼は私に会いたいのかわからなくなる。

考えすぎて寝れないし、生理だし、ジェットラグあるし、、、最悪です。最悪なスタートです。一ヶ月間も会うのを楽しみにしてたのに。これのためにたくさん涙流してきたのに。

なんでそんな冷たいの。なんでそんな変わるの。ほんとひどい。

もううちからは連絡しないから。知らない。

I have been watching videos talking about how to make reading into a habit. 

One guy was saying reading is not that difficult you just see words on the paper. Not just that I need to confront lots of words I don't know so I gotta search it to understand and even I know all the words, I sometimes still can't understand what they wanna say....

 I just wanna be able to read like people do.... Okay, Probably, I should make a goals to read books effectively. 

As you might know, I have been starting to think about my future concretely and accurately. And now, I am overwhelmed how much me could destroy future me. 

I noticed that I again have expectation toward perfection. Okay. Calm down. It's fine. Let's start by things I can do now. Yep. It's fine.

I have been thinking of what I wanna be in the future. I never say who do I wanna be like because I am the one in this world. I am going to do what I wanna do.

Anyway, I saw a video two men discussing about being vegan and being Muslim. The man come out to a guy who stopped for the video killing pigs apparently. And he persuade the guy the contradiction of what Muslim is teaching and what they have actually been doing. He have great knowledges to explain and persuade. What could I persuade to someone about?? Probably nothing. Maybe I could but not lots of people. Because of less information, less knowledge or less logical. 

I decided to read books. A LOT. To influence people. To pursue to live better life. To get other people to have a better lives. I start by how to read a book. But small steps to get higher. 

Wish me lucks!!

Yees. I was in overthinking time again. BECAUSE I thought i hurt one of my best friends and I was scared I might be too much for Oioi. I don't know. But i have watched effective videos. and I spent time on the application. Thank god it went well. I think the application will be good. Anyway, it was a rough day. But it's fine. It went well overall. 

Good afternoon. I hope you are doing well. I am doing good!

So I was worried if I messed up with him but apparently he was just simply tired. After he realized I might be mad, he started to get my attention so I was like phew. 

At night, he texted me back and we texted each other so like half an hour and it was so much fun, omg. This morning, we called and it was good too!

Anyway, I am little worried if I can finish the application now. I have a week to go. I got this. I have cover letter and video but I am sure I can finish it. Yees. It's little messy blog but that's it! lol

おはようございます。昨日から少しやらかしたかなーーと思っております。色々褒めてくれたのになんか変な感じがして、受け流してしまった。最近あんまり自分の話しないし、反応が薄いからなんかあったんかなって。朝からvideos about how to manage if he wants a relationshipを見たりして、昨日に夜Loveを送ったんだけど、それに対して返信がなくてあらああああってなってしまっています。でもMeditationしたりYogaしたりしてもやもやで不安な気持ちに支配されておりません。この2つ本当にすごい。最初は考えちゃったりして、大変だけど、やっていくうちに考えなくなってくる。彼にスペースあげようとか色々。今年の抱負はどんな逆境にも負けない強くそしてみんなに愛を届けられる人になる。だからこれでめげないでbe patient になる。頑張るよお。I choose to have an awesome day.

Happy New Year!! May 2021 bring me and you lots of love and happiness.

日本に一時帰国してから２週間弱のところ。今、だいぶ落ち着いて来たけど、まだ感情の波があってタバコを今日は吸いに行ってしまった。仕方ないことだと思う。彼に会えなくて寂しいし、家族っていう狭い空間の中に入れられて苦しいし、、今はやるべきことがあってそれをやるしかないところでも誰とも話さないし、誰とも一緒にやってないし。今いろんな人がどんな遠距離恋愛経験してるんだろうって調べてみる。今見た知恵袋は浮気されたらどうしようという不安があるって言ってて、その不安はZERO。全くない。じゃあなにが苦しいんだろう。学校にいるときの自分、アメリカにいるときの自分に比べて、毎日進歩が見られない自分？毎日つまらない？刺激がない？家族の問題？彼がいたときはいつも褒めてくれて毎日楽しくて、一緒にいるだけで幸せ。てことは彼関係ないのか。彼で問題を隠そうとしてたのか？じゃあ今頑張ることはただ一つ、summer fellowship!!!。とりあえず10日に完成できたら自分を思いっきり褒めてあげよう！じゃあ毎日自分の体を労ってあげたことを褒めよう！午後はまるっきりfellowshipの時間にするから、午前中は体存分に動かして、夜はゆっくり映画でも観よっかな！いいね:))))毎日できたことここに納めようっと！

初めまして。ふと、思いつきでブログはじめました。

気ままに自分が書きたい時に書きたいようにやります;))　

多分大体自分がぶつかった壁に対してresearchして、自分を落ち着かせたり、正解さぐったり、時には分からずのままダラダラ書いたり、、、

気軽にへえぐらいの気持ちで読んでくださいね

よろしくお願いします！